Lets Gossip Barbie, 3

Caffeinated Barbie

 

 

 

Prozac Barbie

 

 

Let's Gossip Barbie, 3

A short story in four parts 

 

Now listen Partie Hartie, never mind, I can see that you are tweeting about your fabulous life. Whatever.

 

Pussy, when I saw Ken blowing bubbles in his barf, I was soooo grossed out.  He is soo disgusting, to think I used to think he was hotsy. 

 

Camera man #3 turned and focused on the city block sized bed with a canopy made from the foreskins of whales.  He captured Elvis and Marilyn banging like baboons, but the screen swiftly switched to the Kitchen Kam. 

 

Loopy and Desi were standing on a pile of rubble with their hands on each others throats.  Did you know that dolls turn blue when they are strangled?

 

On the Immaculate Konception Kam the anniversary guest were undulating in a daisy chain.  OMG it was the grossest thing that I have ever seen.  I hate orgies, bodily fluids are slimy.  

 

The screen was twitching from one cam to another,  there were so many exciting things going on, the editor didn't know where to focus.  No one could write this shit.  It has to be real!

 

But the most interesting sight, listen up Pissy Hellion, EavesDropKam focused on Barb and Joe looking at each other with sizzling eyes.  The camera actually caught beams of electricity shooting between the two.  Then, wait til' you hear this! 

 

Barbie mumbled, "It is time for my mani-pedi", and slipped out the back door.

  

GI Joe mumbled, "It is time for my shooting practice", and slipped out the back door.

 

WHAT do you think about that,  Paris the Heiress?  Princess Hasbeen? I saw it with my own eyes.  They are doing it like dingbats.  It was right there on the screen anyone could see them sneaking out, making a stealthy amorous exit, with poor Ken dead to the world upstairs, dreaming of the third level of hell/heaven, one, the other, or a mash up of both in raging psychedelic technicolor . 

 

Anyone could see it. Barbie and Ken!  All the mainstream newcasters have ignored this story.  Mattel has bribed every news person between here and Mars.  Only the Natural Inquirer has been righteous enough to cover this tale of two nine inch dolls.  The Inquirer even ran a picture of them sexting.  You should see this,  look at my phone, here he is, GI Joe in his turbid toreador outfit with a tassel dangling from his tallywacker.

 

to be continued.....To continue reading the story, click "Newer Post" at the bottom of this entry.

 

 

 

 





 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Barbie Flaunts her Bikini Body!!!

 

Barbie Flaunts her Bikini Body!!!

Hot breaking news!

 

 

 

For immediate release:

 

Barbie, in a hyperbolic paparazzi event, flaunted her bikini body, this morning on Bodacious Bitch Beach.  In that breathy Marilyn voice, which she parrots perfectly, she said, "I want to thank all the little people".  Her joints are especially sexy.

 

Her team orchestrated this exciting publicity event to promote The Nine Inch Dolls Real Reality Show.  Barbie, "The Bauble", is the most mega of the show's stars.  When questioned about the authenticity of the show she said, "I know that some people think that the show is a hoax,  but what we show really is real, as real as reel can be.  We wouldn't call it reality is there was a script.   I really am a dumb blonde. Really. Duh!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let's Gossip Barbie, 2

 

Barbie, Cat Eyed

 

Let's Gossip Barbie, 2

 

 

Paris Harlot, are you listening?  If you would stop tweeting for just a few minutes I will tell you about last night's episode of the Nine Inch Dolls Real Reality Show.  It opened just like the end of the previous episode. Lucille Ball and Desi Arnez hosted a star studded forty forth year of their divorce celebration. 

Oh, you ARE listening?  I didn't know that you could multitask, tweet and listen at the same time.  I thought that you could not even walk and chew gum at the same time. (Paris Helvetica  is looking a little better, her eyes are clearing up, I think that the tequila is helping her monstrous hangover.  Where are her style team?  She needs help before the paparazzi find her.)

Sitting at the Holyhell Starbucks, Paris Pissy and I scanned the area for celebrities.  OMG I eat, sleep, and drink celebrities, 24/7.  Where would we be without these celestial deities brightening our dull lives with their colorful divorces and their flaunted bikini bodies.  I am so excited to be sitting with Princess Hellion that I am wetting my pants. Thank goodness I wore my Dior diaper, advertised by no less than The Fonz.  You do remember Henry Winkler, don't you dahlin'?

The first shot of the real true reality show that beamed to my 555 inch HD screen, was set in the immaculate conception room of Lucy and Dizzy's 333 room humble abode.  Cameras #1, 2 and 3, recorded the guests grazing on organic palm hearts and gold plated carrots. 

From the kitchen cam feed, I saw Lucy and Desi  throwing dishes at each other and screeching like zombies.  It was amazing, her frothy strawberry updoo stayed perfectly in place as she wound up to hurl a Wedgwood turkey platter.

No, Poufy, it IS a REALITY show.  There are no writers.  Lucy really is dizzy and Desi really is loose, they are not acting.  Do you think that they would call it reality if there was a script?  Duh.

To help the guest in the party room ignore the ruckus from the angry Arnezes, The Rolling Stones turned up the volume. Mick Jagger strutted like a monkey on Mountain Dew. 

Dahlinn absolutely all the most celebrated, inebriated, torticulated dolls attended.  Barbie's gorgeous gown of pink Uranus worm silk was so short that it was just a belt.  Ken was just the perfect escort, lovely eye candy.  GI Joe dressed out in fatigues, but sported a samurai sword as a bow to the formality of the occasion.  Hovering around the bar Dirty Harry squinted at Tweedledee and Tweedledum.  Abraham Lincoln pontificated with Bill Clinton while Monica Lewenski batted her lashes at honest Abe.  Absolutely every doll who is any doll was preening and posturing at that party.  I spotted Yoda (he is adorable, do you think that he is too old to have sex?).  Over by the champagne fountain Mama Dearest, the Talking Car danced dirty with the double ought seven Daniel Craig.  

Pitty Patty Halibutt, listen up, I am getting to the good part.  The kitchen cam zoomed in on Lucy and Dazy throwing butcher knives, both were bleeding, I guess that it was reality blood. 

 




On the stage Keith Richards, looking as usual like chic death warmed over, threw an original Keith Haring canvas at Mick.  OMG, Mick turned into a red devil, and OMG flames engulfed the stage.  No shit, his eyes turned Tabasco red and those 'I can eat the world lips' turned summer saults. You know, (I whisper,) he is a shockaholic. That devil frightened me so much that I laughed.  But, Prissy Hellion, the most interesting activity happened in the shadows, behind the bar, where the EavesDropKam was focused.  I zoomed in and enhanced the contrast of the screen. 

Picture this,  Bauble and Kane were sitting on the red velvet love seat.  There was such a free for all, what with the guest heaving furniture at each other, and the sound of bombs bursting in the kitchen, that they thought no one was watching them.  They did not see the EavesDropKam survey them with x ray vision from behind the flaming stage.  I have eyes like Sherlock Holmes (who could not attend because he is trying to solve  the Wikiwhistle narcolepsy case).  In the shadows I saw Barbie serve Ken a tall Kahlua and a yummy kannabis brownie.

The screen shifted back to kitchen cam where Lucy wrenched the sink off the wall (she is stronger than she looks) and threw it at Daisy, who countered with the Chiefs Food Fantasia Oven.  If they were flesh and not plastic they would be dead.  Nine inch dolls are immortal.

On stage Keith Richards unsheathed his laser sword and twirled that scathing scimitar 180x3 degrees. Jagger Devil was a flaming hell dragon and strutted like a Clydesdale at a Mardi Gras parade.  The stage was alight with a combustion that did not consume.

By the sofa, Mae West performed falafel on Superman.

Angelina and Brad bellyed up to the bar and toasted New Orleans.

Mila Kunis demonstrated her talents with a banana.

Audrey Hepburn swan necked under the most flattering lamp light.  She, and she alone was elegantly composed.  Like the eye of Katrina.

In the shadows, Bauble gave Ken three red secobarbietols, which he swallowed quickly, having been warmed up with chocolate psychoactives. In less than three split seconds he stumbled up the stairs followed by camera man #33.  He lurched into the first bedroom where Elvis and Marilyn were humping like humdingers.  Then he passed out on the carpet in a puddle of puke.


To be continued.....
To see more of the story click "Newer Post", at the bottom of this entry.

Lets Gossip Barbie, 1

 

Barbie, TV Head 



Let's Gossip Barbie, 1

  

"Lets gossip about Barbie, now that she has gone shopping.  We are sitting on the Starbucks patio on Holyhell Boulevard.  It is a beautiful morning, I mean afternoon, exhaust fumes from the constipated Boulevard traffic are wafting in the breeze. Across the table from me sits THE Paris Harlot.  The most famous for being famous person in the entire celebrity sphere.

We sip Celestial Green Tea laced with tequila, and nibble on no calorie, no fat, no gluten, no additives, preservatives or artificial color croissants.
 

"Do you know, Pussy Paris, that Barbie has been shopping everyday for the past fifty six years.  Her closet is the size of a warehouse.  Have you seen it?  It is a giant pink sequin building that dwarfs her purple rhinestone ranch house.  She has three miles of automated revolving clothing racks snaking through the building.  She has a shoe room of towering glass display cases housing a hundred thousand plastic fetishes.

 

What do you think about that, Princess Hilton?  You admire her!  But she has a closet large enough to house a Afghani refugee camp comfortably. No, don't tell me, you want an even bigger closet?  One as big as the Superdome?  Well, we all have a right to our own opinions even when they indicate hydrocephalic greed that will eat us alive.  Did you hear me?  What are you tweeting?  I just don't go for that conceited conspicuous consumption crap.  Well, I think that conspicuous consumption is soooo tacky, but sometimes I slip myself up.  We are only human. 

 

And tell me, Partie Hartie, what is with Barbie's feet?  Those useless appendages as deformed as the lotus flower feet of abused Chinese girls?  Malformed feet for masochistic shoes.  What is that about, Paris Piranha?  Can you explain it to me?

 

Oh, now I get it, teeter totter tumble toes makes Mr. Happy stand up and cheer.  How strange!  You mean to tell me that men are turned on by women who are as unstable as toddlers? How weird!

 Human organisms never cease to boggle the brain.  Here we are, beings of complicated and elegant neurochemical processes,  millions of muscle, blood, and nerve cells working together in harmony, sending zillions of data bits to the brain, for what?  An amazing chorus of chemical interactions, electrical ion exchanges and etherical energies coordinating muscles and intentions, all for what?  All this intricate pituitary, thyroid, adrenal, not to mention gonadal hormones in a hemodynamic dance of science and mystery, all culminating in what?  Zillions of data bits flooding the brain in a constant stream, interfacing with the mind.  The mind, the irrational, unpredictable, self seeking mind.  We have a brain! The most elegant computer in the world! A brain/mind.  The mind that thinks it is the CEO of the metaorganism but screws things up right and left.  Producing behavior that has no rational or pragmatic basis. Minds that have created masterpieces,  the Mona Lisa, the Sidney Opera House, and Drago's grilled oysters, but minds will also make a man salivate over a woman toddling clumsily in dangerous and painful footwear?  We think that we are rational, sensible beings, but, our hardwiring commits us to stupidity.  Emotions almost always trump intelligence. It boggles the brain.  But, who knows, maybe it is better this way.  You know, I am confused. Oh, and inappropriate, did I mention inappropriate?  And so the earth spins round.

Are you listening Princess Harlot?  Oh, you are tweeting your worshipful fans?  What is trending?  So Mr. Happy salutes masochistic stilettos.  The neurons are flabbergasted on so many levels. By the way, where did you get those marvelous Louboutin Sky Heels?  Do they come in turquoise?  I must have a pair. 

Sorry, Prissy, I know my rant is boring.  Thank goodness you brought your IPod.  Seen any good tweets lately?  What is trending?

Did you catch the Nine Inch Dolls Reality Show last night?  No? You saw it last week, right.  Lucy and Desi were celebrating their seventy seventh wedding anniversary.  All the glitterati nine inch dolls were there, and the Stones were playing.  Yes, you saw it, yes, it was sooo exciting.  But last night you passed out too early and missed it?  Not to worry, I will tell you all about it.  You will not believe what Barbie is up to now. 

To be continued. A jabberwacky short story in four parts. To get to the next part of the story, click "Newer Post", at the bottom of this entry.
 

 

   

Wikipedia, Interesting Info Bits

This is what Wikipedia says about Japanese bound feet:

 

The practice possibly originated among upper class court dancers in the early T'ang dynasty in Imperial China (11th or 10th century), but spread and eventually became common among all but the lowest of classes. Eventually foot binding became very popular because men thought it to be highly attractive. Foot binding became Chinese women's way of being beautiful, and a way to show that they were worthy of a husband. The foot binding process begins with a young girl (4-7 years old)  Next, every toe would be broken except for the big toe.
 

Another interesting titbit, Shakespeare quote 

Last night I was watching "Hamlet"  and noticed that  this soliloquy was similar to my confused rant.
Of course, he said it not only first, but also, better.

What a piece of work is a man!
How noble in reason! How infinite in faculties!
In form and moving, how express and admirable!
In action how like an angel!
In apprehension how like a god!
The beauty of the world!
The paragon of animals!
And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust?”
― William Shakespeare, Hamlet


Bye now, be safe, be happy and avoid the clap.

Best Friend Channel Update

Best Friend Channel

Be a best friend to your best friend, turn on the Best Friend Channel

 

 

To the Investors and Supporters of the Best Friend Channel

 Someone has stolen my idea!  I saw an ad on TV for another doggie channel.  I thought of this first!  Do you think that we can sue the idea thieves?  Well, nevermind, why bother?  because the programming for the Best Friend Channel will shit bomb the programming of our competition.  We have award winning beauty and fashion specials, exercise, meditation and educational programming all this just for fido.  Top that you dirty dogs. 

 

 

Be an Angel, Invest Today!

 

There are still a few spots open for investors on all levels. 

 

 

Silver Angel Investor positions cost $10,000. Silver Angels will receive a framed and signed portrait of the Stratosphere Star, Princess Fou Fou.

 

Gold Angel Investor positions are $100,000.  Gold Angels are entitled to a dinner date with Princess Fou Fou at The Commander's Palace ten star restaurant in New Orleans.

 

Platinum Angel Investor Positions are for those exalted angels who invest One cool million dollars. Platinum Angels will be entitled to receive Princess Fou Fou's first born puppy. 

 

 

Be an Angel today!!! Investor Positions are going fast.  Get yours now.  Just send a check to my address or call me for info on direct deposit.

 

 

 

 

Hollywood Kiss

HOLLYWOOD KISS

 

The composition is like a see-saw.  Stable/unstable.  A dynamic pyramid. Yin/yang.

 

The weather is lovely.  Beautiful here at Silver Creek.  Temperature perfect.  The privet trees are blooming like snow on the large, scraggly hedge.  Allergies and bugs abound.  Carpenter bees chew up the house and dive bomb humans.  Mosquitos prick skin with ting sensations.  Just the price of living in paradise.  Gotta go now.  The riding mower is fixed, will mow.  The jungle is advancing.  I will battle the jungle forces with the mower.  Don't battle the jungle, work in harmony??

 

 

Like,  I have a libertine past.  I am not sure that it was worth all the effort.  Oh, what am I saying, of course it was worth the effort.

Audrey Hepburn, Bugeyed

 

Audrey Hepburn, Bug-eyed, Bobble Headed Buffoon

 with Princess Fou Fou

 

Without doubt, the all time, most elegant woman who ever lived is Audrey Hepburn. Because of her position on top of the admiration pyramid, I could not resist messing with her face.  Because of her sacred position in the Follywood pantheon, I could not resist making fun with her legendary image.

 

 The work started with a portrait of Audrey, which I had created, maybe a year ago? A beautiful, digital gamin face.  I thought,"What else can I do with this?"  I put it in the liquefy function of Photoshop and enlarged the eyes. BUG-eyed.  Delighted, I thought, "Wow! This is a fresh salad." 

 

"What next?" I snickered?  Browsing my picture documents, a fun thought tickled my brain.  Enough, already.  Audrey has been gracefully bedecked in couture for long enough.  Now, let her be a buffoon.  While giggling, I sewed her head to a clown body.  "Bobble headed!" I exclaimed, and made it happen, I blew up her head.

 

 

 I went with the circus clown theme, using element files from my documents.  This is one of the coolest things about Photoshop, I have painted a collection of characters, elements, environments, backgrounds, and special effects, all stored in my documents, all waiting in the sidelines until they can star in another picture.     

 

The outrageously clashing Princess Fou Fou, is patterned after, who else, the real Princess Fou Fou, who keeps me quiet, sweet company at this moment, laying on the deer skin rug that Mr. T made.  Her Majisty barks at thunder.  Awfully raucous, what with all the thunderstorms that pass through.  This adorable ball of fuzz will chase a storm.  She charges lightening with her most ferocious threats.  I say,  "Fou Fou, that is God that you are challenging.  Are you crazy?"  She doesn't listen to me. Also, I told her to go to the spa and get the tangles worked out of her hair, but, she still didn't listen. 

 

The floor of the circus is adapted from another world famous icon,  the rose window of Notre Dame in Paris.  I hope that Fou Fou does not poop on this sacred mandala. 

 

This is how I amuse myself.  It came together, and made me smile, this lightly sacrilegious tossed salad. 

 

Kitten Cherub and Rosie are performing their flying act.  Amusing.  Light and fluffy.